


Help, I have done it again.

by soul_less



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Blood, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 15:31:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6085053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_less/pseuds/soul_less
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin is having trouble adjusting to life as a cadet. He begins to self harm as a result, but one night he goes to deep. The after effects at training the next day lead to Eren finding out. What will happen to Arlert, and will he make it out of this story alive? ~All suggestions for an ending welcome, Maybe eremins haven't decided yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Help, I have done it again.

Running. That's what he hated most about the days after his little... should we say.... indulgences. I shoul'd just admit it to myself. Armin though wearily, 'I cut myself'. _, and with that in the open he went back to running. A sense of misery and guilt engulfed him and his body was screaming against the brutal mistreatment He had done this to him self, he had no right to complain, it was his fault. Armin struggled to keep up with the other well muscled teens on a regular day, but today would be exceptionally challenging. Each step brought searing pain as the rough fabric of his uniform grated against cuts that criss crossed his entire body. He felt something wet and sticky on his leg, and looked to see a small patch of blood staining the upper thigh of the fabric. The blood spread hypnotically and he tore his eyes away from the area. He sighed internally, he knew that cold water got the blood out easily, but he now had to worry about Eren or Mikasa noticing the blood stain. He cringed at the thought of Mikasa's sharp and diligent eyes. Still he kept running, he was getting further and further behind the others as he strained to maintain the mediocre pace. He knew the mid-run check point wasn't much further but a nagging thought that something was wrong was creeping into his head. He felt alarmingly dizzy, and while passing out wasn't unheard of in trainees he wasn't fond of the teasing that would follow an uncouth nap in the dirt._

_"Faster Arlert!"The commander barked the order with no sympathy as he sped past the struggling teen on ODM gear to monitor the others  
Armin gritted his teeth and let out a half wheezed "Yes sir" as he was snapped out of his daze._

_He redoubled his efforts, and gained a minimal amount of speed. He still felt dizzy, but he ran on finding himself gaining on the other group as he focused on the pain throbbing all over his body. He looked back at the blood patch on his pants and found it was growing at an alarming rate, and he frantically tried to remember the events of the night before, to see when he could have cut so deep that it wouldn't have stopped by now. He saw others reaching the check point as he allowed himself to think back to the night before. Everything he could recall was just light scratches, nothing serious._

_Blurred images crossed his mind, hazzed memories mixed with fear, shame, and an overwhelming sense of relief. He remembered taking the broken bit of a sword stolen from a training exercise and sitting in the woods after dinner, giving the trees a blank stare. He remembered all the feelings of worthlessness, the sense of being a failure. He remembered every single fucking mistake he had ever made running through his head over and over again. Armin could remember crying because he didn't want this, he never wanted to be a soldier but the needed to be there for Eren. Where else would a misfit like him be anyway? To weak to work, to scrawny to farm properly. He remembered getting up and walking to the grove of trees that he always went to for privacy. He stripped down to his underwear, letting the numbness of his mind wash away any sense of aprehension or shame over his pale exposed body. The young blond can remember the first cut, biting his thigh as the blade bit into his tender flesh. He remembers crying out softly in pain, sinking to his knees in then clearing, and rocking back and forth as he let his body adjust. Then he brought the blade down again, for every way he was inferieor to Eren, for every way he couldn't compare for Mikasa. For everytime he let his grandfather down, for eveything he was too fucking weak for. He brought the blade down in quick and manic strokes, across his arms, his chest, his legs- nowhere was safe from his depseration. He recalled the final cut, slow deliberate and deep, he wanted to watch himself bleed out onto the damp grass. He remembered the sawing sensation on pale flesh, and the brief realization that he had gone too deep, and that if e didn't bind the wound immediately he was in big trouble. Hoe could he have forgotten that he tried to kill himself? Had he gotten that bad?_

_"Oh" Armin breathed out softly as he continued his futile run after his comrades as he remembered the strong urge to die that overwhelmed him most nights. Had he really been serious about ending it last night? He thought back on the conclusion of the night trying to remember if he had spent any extra time cleaning the deep wound._

_He remembered frantically wrapping his leg with a discarded cloth he had stolen- what the fuck was he thinking he didn't want to die! The rest of the night had passed in a relieved blur as the bleeding on his leg slowed and seemed to stop. The weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he was grateful for it. He let the cuts bleed, then carefully cleaned up. He thought back to the bandaging which must have slipped of sometime in the course of the day. He slipped his clothes back on, and headed back to bed. Thinking back he remembered peeling his stained pajamas from the spot this morning. Had he ripped the bandage off with his pants, taking scabbing with it? Had it clotted to begin with or had he severed a vein? How hadn't he noticed before getting dressed and starting the morning run?_  
He was still pondering that question when a branch caught his foot. "AHH!' he exclaimed loudly as he was thrown to the ground, his pack falling on top of him with a sickening thud. Tears pricked at his eyes as he felt whatever clotting in the cut on his leg rip apart- just how deep had he cut anyway- and the blood started pouring faster than it had before. He clutched his hand to his wound and attempted to stand but found himself with blurring vision. What had he done to himself? Had he finally gone too far, was this how he was going to die? Had he hit finally hit that sweet spot? Was he getting what he deserved? He heard an incoherent yell over the ringing of his ears, and vaguely recognized an order to get up. He struggled to his feet and stumbled forward, trying to get back into the rhythm of running. The petite boy found himself doing a half-hearted jog at best. He looked at the hazy view ahead of him, was it raining or was his vision blurring? He struggled limping badly, his hand still clutched to the injured leg. The ringing in his ears cut off allowing him to hear the instructor throwing a coniption fit ahead of him.  
"Altlert! Do I have to use my ODM gear to come back and drag your lazy ass to the mid way point! The rest of the team is appreciating the fucking rest! We're leaving your sorry ass behind if you dont pick up the pace- IMMEDIATELY!" the screaming rang through the trees., bouncing around in the cadet's already throbbing head. "FUCKING NOW ARLERT!"  
Armin's face buring with shame, while at the same time it paled with the pain. Eren looked back in embarassment at him. Jean laughed snidely and Armin could vaguely see Marco luagh at a remark made my Sasha and Connie. Mikasa looked intently at him, and as he caught her nearly black eyes with his own he recognized pity in her eyes. He felt his heart fold into its self, and the thunder clouds brewing in head head intensified. Of course he was the only one incompetent enough to get his ass reamed like this every. single.fucking. time. How could he complain when he had done this to himself though? He was so close, less than 150 more yards to the check point. He forced his hand away from the throbbing wound and ran. He felt sick and he was bleeding profusely, but did any of them even care? He knew the answer was no. Did they enjoy watching him suffer? He forced him self back up. If he was going to bleed to death, if he had condemned himself to hell he would make it to that goddamn check point. He would be with the only people who had ever made him happy before he died. His mind felt oddly focused as he locked his eyes on the clearing. He ripped part of his uniform off heedlessly and tied it tightly around his leg. The commander ignored him, instead solving a dispute between Jean and Eren. Armin began to run. It wasn't impressive, it wasn't fast, but it was running. He was close, maybe 20 yards away, but no one looked at him instead wathcing Eren and Jean prefrom their punishment push ups, when he fell again. He looked up at the clearing, his friends laughing, them happy without him and he forgot why he was running. The strength seeped from his body, embedding into the cold ground. He shrugged his pack off and began to slowly drag himself forward. Eren caught the bright blue eyes with his own turquoise blend as he pushed himself back up from the ground after finishing his punishment. He noted the pale sunken skin, and the outstetched hand covered in blood and he was immediately sprinting towards his friend. Armin let his head sink to the ground, his hand falling slowly to the ground. 

_"Armin! Armin!" Eren yelled his friend's name as his ran. he fell to his knees next to the blond and flipped his friend onto his back, drawing Armin's upper body onto his knees. To his relief it looked like his friend had only cut his leg. Armin was unconcious and Eren saw the blood coming from his leg. he Immediately got the gauze out of his own pack and wrapped it tightly. His mind was reeling what had happened? Armin fell he realized. Armin must have cut his leg and passed out at the sight of blood, that's it. Eren couldn't imagine anything else happening. Eren stood, cradling the smaller boy in his arms and jogged to the group. The clammor of voices immediately stopped as they saw Armin, curiosity mixed with little concern.  
Eren stood in front of the commander, Armin unconcious in his arms. "Sir Cadet Altlert fell and injured his leg, Sir! At the night of blood he must have fainted, Sir! Requesting permission to take him back to the dormitories and treat him, Sir!"_

_"Take the weakingling and go" the instructor sneered. "Ackerman, Leonhart! take their packs, you're on double duty to the end of this exercise!"_

_"Sir!" the two cadets said, saluting loyally. Eren was already jogging back to base with the smaller boy in his arms._

_"The rest of you! Stop gawking, back to running! Move maggots!"_


End file.
